You have no privacy online. Every interaction with this site involves me personally watching you, making notes, and then selling everything I learn about you to, well, anyone who can pay for it.
After you’ve left this site and head off to Reddit, Google, or HotGranniesInYourVillage.com, I’m gonna follow you there and keep taking notes. You agreed to this earlier, when I put up that splash screen containing a lot of text that you didn’t read. It’s all detailed in sub-clause 7.3.3a.
Now, for the rest of this document, I’m going to preface everything with a nice, friendly opener, but follow it with the legal kicker which will shaft your privacy, but you’ll not notice because it’s all done under the auspices of that nice opening. Also, I’ll start using first-person plural pronouns, which makes me sound all buisnesssliek. Here goes.
Here at enistello.info, we value your privacy, and are particularly fond of your cat. To enhance and reinforce your private information, we ensure that it’s never shared with anyone you haven’t preapproved, under the terms of our Privacy Policy, see sub-clause 7.3.3a.
Under only very specific circumstances are we legally entitled to pass on your information. It’s very rare. Anyway, these third-parties include the law enforcement bodies currently going door-to-door in your city looking for anyone not caucasian-looking (hello America!), or anyone with a badge that catches the light when produced in a way that might be described as ‘attractive’. In very controlled situations, your anonymised information (we’ll use Photoshop to smudge your first names), may be passed to others who must satisfy our stringent criteria:
- Criterion 1: They must have some money.
- Criterion 2: They must give us said money.
Your email address is valuable to us. We will guard it, night and day, and we have a dog. It’s as valuable as one table row in a database containing over a billion similar entries. I mean, the whole thing costs us a hundred Euros a month to host. Do the maths. When that database appears for sale on The Dark Web [uuuh, scary!], it will also contain passwords in plain text. We told Bob the DBA about this, but he went on leave for a while, and we must have forgotten to remind him about it when he came back last week. Ah well.
In the event of any data breach that releases your information, we operate a strict set of processes, which we revise every year during our annual “Festival of Whatever”, which takes place concurrently with internal team-building exercises in the second-cheapest hotel in a run-down Las Vegas suburb. Go us! This is the process, if we can find it. It’s here somewhere. Hang on. Oh yeah, here:
- We deny there has been a data breach.
- When a cybersecurity company proves that our database is indeed for sale on The Dark Web [see above, my but it’s scary there] ($7 for everything? That’s just disrespectful), we will admit to our CEO having dropped a receipt in the car park one afternoon.
- After three months, or 12 weeks, whichever is shorter during a leap year, we will come clean and issue you, our valued customer, with a mail-merged email that puts your forename in capitals in the greeting, for some reason.
- We will pick on someone in the company we don’t like much, and tell everyone it’s their fault. They’ll have to resign, or go on a long holiday at least.
- We will rebrand at massive expense, taking a new name that sounds a bit Latin, or Greek, but implies a steadfast resolve to betterment. Jayne from HR is pushing for Servitamus, but the CEO’s wife will probably decide. Regardless, you’ll never associate enistello with a company called Honarium, who are definitely new.
Here is some Lorem Ipsum. Dave, can you put something here that sounds all legal? Love you x